Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wednesday, May 05, 2010 10:23 PM

I’m listening to “Move Along” by the All-American Rejects before our 11 PM rehearsal. This song is really helping me right now. The lyrics perfectly incorporate all of the feelings I have about the experience I’m going through right now. My hands aren’t really shaking cold, but all of my fingers are swollen and sore…“When all you have to keep is strong, Move along” reeeeally nails it for me. So if those aren’t the actual lyrics and I’ve done what I do all the time and made the lyrics make sense to me regardless of what the actual words are, please refrain from telling me. Today I had a mental breakdown, of sorts, when it came time to do something before bed and after rehearsal. I was so emotionally drained from the last 12 hours that I couldn’t even bear to make the decision to put clothes on and get some sunlight (which I haven’t seen since Saturday). Tiago basically forced me out of the room. Thank god. Everything just seems really gray right now. I can’t think of a better way to explain it. Learning this show should be a blast, especially as the lead character, but the lack of close-proximity support from best friends and soul mates is really depressing me. Tiago is the only close friend I have here, and we share in our mutual disdain for the lack of organization of the entire ship and in our mutual relocation woes, especially when it comes to soul mates. It’s nice to have someone here who is going through virtually the same thing as me. The inability to communicate with the outside world is getting insane. The internet sucks, and I’m sure my phone bill is going to be Monstrous. And all the while, the world is turning without me. How do people do it? There seems to be this whole culture who is perfectly content to leave their whole world (and dry land) behind and exist solely in the presence of 2,000 other crewmembers, while never knowing 90 percent of them. I guess I’m not cut out for it. I feel like Mr. Darcy in the 2005 Pride & Prejudice when he says that his relocation offers a society far less varied than what he’s used to. Even if I did like everyone here, which I don’t, there’s only like 30 people to talk to. It’s the smallest amount of Human Contact I’ve ever experience. I NEED MY FRIENDS! So as a conclusion, if I can get my “guest privileges” worked out, I’m allowed 90 days of guests, which is a little over half of my contract. So I can literally have a guest with me in my cabin for 3 months of this almost-6. So come on! Let me know a month in advance, buy your plane ticket, and get your ass to Ft. Lauderdale!  

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